Category: Reflection

This is quite a different year…

I can’t believe that we have reached the end of this shocking year with so many turn of events! Sure, Covid-19 threw us off our feet, but on a personal basis, I have never in my wildest dream imagined that I would do the things I do this year, and even now, I think I am still in recovery mode. This is the last chance for me to add one more post before the year folds.

Some of my most notable “achievements” and highlights include these:

1. Started gardening

Like so many people who contributed to the rising price of plants, I am one of them who caught the gardening flu during the Movement Control Order because of Covid-19. I have a whole blog post on this so I’ll save myself the hassle of regurgitating of how it all started. Here are some awesome pictures of my garden.

My little bromeliad corner
My little “princess corner” for the plants which couldn’t take too much sun
Another corner for those who love the sun
My significant other helping to create shade for the princess corner

2. Moved house

My moving house signifies a different stage of life and era for me. I rented a room in my friend’s house mainly because I find coping with lupus while travelling the distance (30km per way) to be quite taxing. I was very grateful that my bestie lent me a helping hand by allowing me to stay at her place. Two years went by, and many things happened to our lives. We went on to our separate ways, she moved out, and after 9 months I moved out as well. We kept in touch, but we have different priorities now. So moving out is a huge change to me. Furthermore I made a conscious decision to stay in a suburban area instead of in the city so that I could have a garden instead of staying in an apartment where I know I have to give up some of my plants. I was not ready for that.

I think this is one of the most tiring year for my other half

3. My blog gained more viewership even though I only wrote 6 posts this year

Truth to be told, this year has been a rather tough year for me, work wise. As much as I love to, I had no time, and was not in the state of mind to add more posts to the blog. In fact at some point, I felt that I was so overwhelmed that I might be mildly depressed. The strangest thing was my blog’s viewership actually increased when I was not posting any new blog posts. I suppose this has something to do with the “3-year rule”, i.e. many of your efforts will only be seen after 3 years, especially websites and blogs. I think the 3-year rule rings true for many things. Even for my plants, some took 5-6 months to blossom. If I gave up on them prematurely, I will not be able to enjoy their beauty.

In 2021 I am going back to develop my blog further, edit and weed out some of the not-so-great posts. I am going to think about content and have more interviews with lupus patients so that my readers could be inspired.

4. Quit a stressful job and moved on to a less stressful role

My job has always been a stressful one, as long as I lived. However there was something else end of last year and almost the whole of this year, which made me pull the trigger. Covid-19 was the last straw that broke the camel’s back. Due to the pandemic, my team could not work at the client’s place, the clients were not fully digitised, and therefore work was delayed and there was nothing much we could do. By the time work resumed, it was already 3 months down the road, and there was just no rest for anyone. It was really tough.

I have been contemplating about moving on to something else for quite a long time. For me, the question was always: when will I hit my magic number for early retirement?

Amidst this pandemic, I have other questions such as:

-Is not working going to make me happy?

– Why am I feeling so reluctant to work?

– Is this money going to be enough for me to indulge myself in my expensive hobbies?

– Am I shortchanging myself trying to save more to early retire?

I think I have been in withdrawal for the longest time. I always spent time tending to my garden, surfing the internet to buy more plants, doing something else instead of spending time to pen down my thoughts in my diary. I thought once I have nothing to do, I could sit down and contemplate about these questions. But it turns out that I could not actually sit down and do nothing. It is tough. Or maybe I could, but I would be surfing the internet. I do not have answers to these questions, so I carried on with the other job that does not leave me depressed and exhausted all the time.

I tried a few new things this year, namely getting writing jobs, selling plants and trying to sell some printables. I could not persist too long with my full time job. I also dislike packing up plants and earning peanuts trying to sell expensive plants to people who will not appreciate it. I might be doing it wrong but I think even if I changed my method to sell, I am not entirely sure I want to make this a career, not before I have a piece of land to place all my merchandise.

5. Did not use my passport at all this year

This goes without saying with the current pandemic situation. I think this has to be the first time in 20 years I have not used my passport at all. It is saddening, yet I now sometimes consider what would happen to my plants when I am travelling. What about my dream of living in a different country every year? Probably just have to install some irrigation system that can be controlled from abroad.

6. Only read 2 books this year

I suppose for me the most surprising turns of events was reading only 2 books and adding more than 100 plants to my garden. Maybe deep down I will always be a hoarder, be it hoarding books or plants or some other collectibles. I also have a secret dream that one day maybe I will be selling off everything and start living a minimalist lifestyle. Until then, I will recommence my reading habit soon after I tidy up my garden and made it the one I have in my head.

This is a year that gave me a lot to think, and I see many different things in new light. It maybe my quarter life or mid life crisis, there was just so many things to think about, I rather not think. Humans are complicated beings, or can things be less complicated? Am I overthinking or there are some merits to the things going through my head? This is such a quizzical year, and yet I felt that I have done quite a fair bit this year. I hope things will improve next year, and I could find some answers to all my questions!

Happy New Year to you and I wish you all the best!

Burnt out because of Covid-19? Don’t worry, just keep moving.

“You are lucky that you still have a job!”

“A recession is looming! Don’t you ever think of resigning. You’ll never find another job!”

I wished I could feel nothing but gratefulness that I still have a job, but lately it has became increasingly hard to feel so.

Covid-19 has created history for being the latest addition on the list of pandemics that threatened the lives and livelihood of the human race every few decades. Whilst the death toll could not compare with the 1918 Influenza, the impact was nonetheless unprecedented and devastating.

The disease has triggered a ripple effect on the world economy, and many industries are hurting badly, especially aviation, tourism, live performances, fitness, eateries, beauty parlours, construction etc. The chain does not stop there. When the employees from these industries have pay cut or outright job losses, they could not pay their rentals and daily necessities, and that is how recession rears its ugly head. Unemployment rate has surged during this Covid-19 worldwide, and having a job is definitely perceived to be fortunate. It is no wonder that people who still have jobs are working harder to prove that they are still an asset to their employers.

So yes, I still have a job, and I am also burnt out.

Workers who still have jobs are experiencing tremendous stress. The economic ecosystem has already lost its balance, with a few players at the verge of dropping out of the system, and yet the existing surviving industries are still expected to perform with little interference. I work in the finance industry, and it appears that the stock exchange worldwide believes that no disruption could befall the stock market. The shareholders need their numbers and their predictions. The timelines must be met. There are many people involved in the preparation of those numbers, and with disruption in supply chain and customers’ payment, getting things moving has been harder than before.

My colleagues told me that they are experiencing precisely the same. Now we are working 10 hours workdays, and many are working through weekends. With the calls and various decisions-making cropping up (for eg. due to government announcement), work has not been efficient as pre-Covid19. The only known way to catch-up is to work more hours. Working more hours leads to mental and physical fatigue, and that exacerbated the inefficiencies. That is how the vicious cycle kept perpetuating itself.

I think we have to stop feeling guilty about not working the extra hours, if we could not. Here are some of the things that I felt that could help if you are now in that rut:

1. List down all of the things that you have to do

Having a full list helps you plan and envision the end results. I have 60 things on my list. I am not discouraged, in fact I felt that now I know “this is it”, I have clarity on whether or not I could accomplish what was on the list, and whether or not I need to speak to someone for help.

2. Achieve bite size goals everyday

Nothing is too small as an achievement. Pace yourself. Remember to strikeout items in the full list and give yourself acknowledgement at the end of each day. Remember that working home is not a walk in the park these days, simply because many other things are affecting the business that you are working in, and you are shouldering part of those burden as well.

3. Seek help and delegate

Reach out to your boss and staff to understand how is everyone coping. Chances are even your boss is feeling the heat. Discuss if you should prioritise any tasks, or if any timelines could be deferred.

4. Give yourself a break

Do things other than work. Do not lose your identity in the midst of all this chaos. If you could not finish the work anyway, what is the difference if you spent a 15 minutes doing that HIIT training or watching a video on hiking? If you continue working knowing at the back of your mind that you are forgoing the things you love, you will dread work even more.

5. Reconsider your options

At the end of the day, if your boss did not understand the difficulties that you are facing, maybe it is time to rethink if this is the place for you.

Chin up, folks.

The clock for global changes has been wound faster and like it or not we will have to learn to adapt. Maybe this means we have to pick up another skill, do a different type of work, or consider this as a crossroad, ie whether we have made the right life choices so far.  Give yourself a break. No-one could starve themselves to death in this 21st century. Hang in there. You just got to keep going. As long as you are doing something and achieving something everyday, you will get there soon.

Random thoughts on working from home and Covid-19

(With Leonard Bernstein full concert playing in the background)

It has been one month since our country was imposed with the movement restriction order. The order was to prevent the outbreak of Covid-19 and flatten the curve so that our healthcare system could cope with the number of patients. People are required to stay at home and only limited essential services, frontliners and food or grocery shopper could leave their homes.

With the constant bombardment of information and plenty of time on hand, it is almost inevitable that people are forced to face themselves and contemplate about their life one way or the other. I am grateful that I have a place to stay and a job that still maintain the pay, so I did not have to worry about my day-to-day life during the period of time. Here are some random thoughts that I have :

(1) I felt very accomplished completing house chores

I have always done my house chores religiously. But for some reasons, I felt more accomplished these days when I mopped the house, done my laundry, fold my clothes, helped with cooking, wiped down the stove etc. Maybe it is because being able to do these while working from home made me felt that I was able to live my life abit normally albeit the diminishing boundaries between work and after-work.

(2) Work from home – Yay or Nay?

I used to wish that I have a location independent work which I have the freedom to decide when I want to work, and no-one would be breathing down my neck. In my mind, free lance is the type of job that fits the bill. Now my wish has partially came true, I am starting to re-think if working from home is truly the life that I want. It is true that when you work from home, there is more flexibility. Save for conference calls, you can arrange when and how you want to do your work. Most importantly you keep your boss updated and there is results to be seen.

At the beginning of the work-from-home arrangement, there are so many conference calls that productivity is reduced significantly, especially when there are a few calls lined up. The whole day could have gone by without any actual work done. Calls can be extremely frustrating as well, with varied degrees of data connectivity issue, from both ends. There is also the part about the awkward silence when a question was asked because it is hard to call out someone when you do not see their faces.

After a while everyone just gets used to the tempo of working from home, but it does seem that it is now harder to segregate work and life. People tend to expect more from you when you are working from home.

Guess whilst having freedom to arrange work and life is important, I think a work set-up does help to segregate work and life, because no matter how much you enjoyed your work, time needs to be given to other parts of life and other people.

(3) Financial objectives – early retirement or job security?

When the stock market tanked sometime end February 2020, I started to re-think and assess which one is my priority: early retirement or job security. I have been saving up with a goal for early retirement since I stumbled upon a blog by Mr Money Moustache 4 years ago. Today I am proud to say I am on track, but just not yet. Short of 2.5 years’ savings. But now it is adequate for me to walk away and focus on doing something that makes me happy.

Of course the share market might crash yet again, with the pandemic having no signs of slowing down globally. In our country we are seeing good progress, having less cases each day, but everyone are still stuck at home, and businesses are suffering. Honestly this is the first time I felt that I cannot picture the light at the end of the tunnel. I could not phantom the world after Covid-19, when everything will be back to “how it used to be”. In fact, I am starting to think there is no such thing as “used to be”. It has already gone past the point of no return. Many things will change, and how people view jobs and life would change tremendously.

I have no qualms on the fact that I have not meet the milestone yet, financially, but I am in a good position to decide if I should take a leap of faith.

(4) People are the same, no matter where they are

This crisis has brought out the best and the worst of humanity.

When we stare at the face of a crisis, our reaction are going to be almost the same, no matter the colour of our skin, eyes and where we are. The most obvious phenomenon is panic buying. Granted there are different areas of concern for people in different location. Some might love their toilet papers more than the rest, some their furnitures, their groceries, and their masks etc.

The Aussie love their toilet papers
[Credit to Tracey Shelton/Al Jazeera]
Malaysians and their groceries.
Credit to TMR / Pic by Arif Kartono
The Singaporeans love their homeware
Credit to Twitter/infernoxv
The Filipinos queuing up for their masks.
Photo: AP

But at the same time, we see that everywhere people are donating money to help out the poor, less-privileged and homeless. Government of many countries are now providing temporary shelter to the homeless. Non-governmental organisations and volunteer charity organisations are reaching out and providing support to the frontliners and those who needed help. Humans will help out each other during these testing times.

(5) The system collapses when there is no more trust.

The first biggest mistrust that we human beings have is evident in the panic shopping. We do not believe that our fellow country men will purchase rationally and leave some food for us to purchase. So we buy in excess of what we need. We are scared to be the last person holding that last share of the company, so we panic sell. We think that everyone will take out the last cash in the bank, so we tell our friends “Cash is king”, and to take out as much cash as possible from the bank.

Why does recession happen? Give it a deeper thought and you will realise that recession happens because people believe that no-one will care about your well-being, your money, your wealth, and it was the mistrust which crushed the system, not some mystical force that sank us into darkness.

It is during these times I realised that the system is just a fallacy that everyone believes in. When people no longer embrace the system, that is when everything goes out of the window, and chaos happens.

(6) Me-time is important to me

I was grateful that I am not staying alone during these times. My family asked if I should head home before the restriction starts. But I thought that the purpose of the restriction order was not to move around and bring the virus to your loved ones, in case you are infected, plus my plants would all die if I am gone for so long. So I stayed. My boyfriend came to stay with me. We keep our work space separate, and only get together for cooking and exercise. We have our own work and hobbies, so it is crucial to be able to stay apart even if we lived under one roof.

Guess this is the part of working from home that I loved the most, having “me-time” away from human beings, but still being together with a loved one. There are moments throughout the day when I will go check the plants on the balcony, see if they needed more water, or if I need to move the seedlings in if it rains. It was a short getaway from work, I suppose. Also I get to listen to live music when I am working. My boyfriend did not necessarily love having those music played when he work, so having separate areas helped.

A saying appears more often these days: If you want to make God laugh, tell him you have a plan. This saying rings so much truth especially now. No-one can tell the future, on what will happen next week, next month, or even next year. Our movement restriction order has been extended for the third time, there are no certainties anymore on anything. All we could do is just treasure the time that we have now, and live everyday like it is the last, and pray that everything will be better tomorrow.

The storm is hitting our face now…

This is the time when people thought it could not get any worse, and it was staring at us in the face: Yes, it could get worse.

It is a testing time for not only the health of millions due to the Coronavirus, it is also a testing time for the zeros in our bank accounts. Value of shares are evaporating, cash are depleting, and jobs are hanging on threads.

Two weeks ago, we thought the worst will be over soon. The share market will go back to being bullish soon; the virus recovery rate will increase and the spread will slow down, there will be a vaccine; life goes on.

But it did not. Life went on, but things are not getting any better. It gets worse in the place where I am now. It was announced that the country will be in a lockdown due to the rapid spread of the virus, the stock exchange has been crashing like no tomorrow even before the announcement. Shares are down by 20-50%. People are getting margin calls. I am starting to see imaginary blood dripping from my mobile phone screen whenever I see a news on the recent market updates. Social media is full of news on Covid and the tumbling economy.

What can I do to reduce the stress and anxiety?

I really need to see things in a different perspective, and not get caught up with all the “what ifs” and “could have, would have”. If I rebalanced earlier on and have a whole lot of cash that I could now use to average down. If only I did not enter the local market in January using margin facility. If I could have finished all my work earlier.

What are the positive things that I can see from this?

Luckily I did not fully utilise all my margin, otherwise I would have reached my margin call last week. At least I bought some time with me deciding not to max out my margin facility. Luckily I still have some cash with me. Luckily I have finished a substantial amount of work that I am supposed to.

I have learnt many new lessons this year, especially on the stock market, and these lessons will stick with me throughout my life. I am also practising some of the lessons I learnt in the previous correction. I am doing what I need to do taking care of my personal hygiene, not attending mass gatherings, washing hands more diligently and practising social distancing by staying at home.

I will just wait out this great storm. Time is the best cure for everything. This shall pass too. Although it is quite a painful one to sit through.

Chin up everyone! We will emerge stronger. Just hang on there a bit longer!

Parasite – review and scenes explained

I heard about this movie from a few close friends but did not get around to watching it. When a friend who continuously shared posts about hating the rich said the reason was because of Parasite, I decided to watch it in the cinema.

Non-spoiler review

Parasite successfully covered many elements of humanity and it has successfully done it in a comprehensible manner. The clear theme of this drama thriller is the inequality between the rich and the poor.

Whilst the movie started as a humour-drama set-up, I was surprised by the cinematic effects that this movie was able to capture. A few of the eye-catching scenes includes:

  • Washed socks were hung on a smaller hanger, in front of a window that leveled with the road surface, enabling the family to see the back alley and thrash that is just above their flat. There is a toilet bowl just beneath the window, showing a crammed toilet space.
  • The front yard of the mansion looks beautiful, whether when there is ample sun ray or when it was raining heavily. An indication that whether the weather was good or bad, the rich gets their best view.
  • The endless fleets of aluminium pedestrian bridge staircase that the family ran to during the heavy rain was a striking scene.
  • The bird eye’s view of the flood from atop, and the scene of the refugees laying on mattresses laid in arrays on the stadium floor were eyeballs drawing. It was like the director paused the audiences from the movie and showed them pictures from a photo album.

Well unfortunately that is all I could say for a non-spoiler review. I have to refer to parts of the plot to elaborate on my thoughts on the movie.

SPOILER – DON’T PROCEED IF YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED IT

At first I thought that the “parasite” that the movie title suggested was referring to the con-men family. Later I realised that the actual parasite was the housekeeper’s husband who was stealing food and using utilities in the rich man’s mansion. The con men family was at least doing work for the family, whether or not they obtained their jobs via legitimate means. A friend said that the rich man’s family could also be seen as a form of parasite, leeching off the poor, a parasite in the society. The rich man could be selling junk to the society, and those without financial literacy bought into the promotion and advertisements and spent their money to make the rich man the big shot he was then. But could society solely blame the rich man for selling his stuff to the mass? He did not force the mass to buy them. The rich man has many faults but making himself prosperous by selling products that the mass needed was hardly one of them.

The “subway smell” has been the metaphor for poverty throughout the movie. It started when the rich man sniffed a certain insufferable smell on the dad. Then the rich man’s son also smelled the same smell on the dad, the mother and the daughter. That was when the family discussed if they should wash their clothes with different detergents. Then they realised that it was not about the detergent, rather the small basement flat that they lived in emits this stuffy smell that could not be eliminated unless they moved to another place. The rich man and his wife discussed about the dad, and concluded that he was fine, almost close to bypassing employer-employee territory, but not yet. However his “subway smell” is going to cross territory soon. The dad was hiding under the coffee table when he heard their comments, and there was slight twitch in his facial expression. The subject of the smell re-appeared for the third time when the dad was ferrying the rich man’s wife to shopping. The rich man’s wife was not as subtle as her husband. She opened the window and pinched her nose. The dad has already became sensitive over the topic of smell, and he of course notices this. The last time the smell topic surfaced was the time when the rich man lost his life. He pinched his nose and gave the dad a look when he retrieved the car keys beneath the mad man’s body. In my opinion, that pinching hardly has anything to do with the “subway stench” that the dad was so sensitive about, since the situation was so chaotic, and no-one would be able to detect a wisp of stuffy smell. However the dad took that after everything the rich man was still despising his poverty, so he plunged the knife into the rich man in a rage.

The coldest thing that I heard throughout the movie was when the rich man’s wife told the dad that “the rain last night was a good one”. The con-man’s family lost their home during the heavy rain the prior night. The dad was forced to chauffeur the lady to shopping instead of restoring his home because of the overtime fees offered by the rich man. The flood was of no concern to the rich because they are well protected from the elements. This scene could be seen as the rich’s apathy’s towards the poor’s suffering.

When the con-man’s family gotten jobs from the rich man’s family, they became smug and their attitudes towards the pissing drunk in front of their flat worsen. The son was seen bringing out his wealth rock and one could only wonder what he planned to do with the rock. Luckily the next scene only showed that he and the dad threw water at the drunk. This is an irony about people hating the rich. It is easier to hate the rich than to try to become them. They whine and complain about the rich stealing their opportunities and their lives. If you were that poor because the rich were stealing from you, shouldn’t you be busy working your ass off to not continue being poor instead of whining?

The rich man said he missed the former housekeeper’s dish, and commented that she was fine, except that she ate two people’s portion. This foreshadowed the fact that the former housekeeper was consuming on behalf of her husband living in the basement.

Another one of the biggest irony is during the scene when the son was kissing the rich man’s daughter before the garden party. The teenage girl was asking why the boyfriend was lost in thoughts when kissing her. Why, you say? Your boyfriend lost his home and there were two lurking time bombs in the basement! But then again, how would you know? Little would she know that her life was about to change dramatically.

When the mad man came to the front yard with a knife, all the guests scrambled for their lives, and the sister was stabbed with no obstruction. The rich man has been a gentleman throughout, until this very scene, when he sternly instructed the dad to hand over the car keys. It was very clear that during dire times the rich man considered his family’s life more precious than anyone else’s, including the dying art tutor’s life. He did not even helped to stop the mad man. He just ran away and only tended to his family when his daughter carried out the bleeding son on her shoulders. Could you blame him for being a coward in the presence of a maniac? Humans are selfish, and they will always care for their own family first, so I do not think this is a question of whether rich man is richer so his family’s life is worth more to save, or as a normal human being he was not heroic enough to risk his life saving people that he barely knew. Initially I wanted to come to a simple conclusion that the rich man deserved it because he treated his family and his lives above the poor family’s lives. However I asked this: who else does not? His biggest mistake is not screening through properly before bringing in this family who harbours hatred towards the rich, and he was not discreet enough to not speak nor show his disgust towards the “smell” on the dad.

The dad used to tell his son that it is fine to not have a plan because life never follows the plan. If you never had a plan in the first place then there will be no failure since there is nothing to benchmark against. He does not have a plan, however his son did harbour a plan. Ironically it was this very plan that caused the demise of the family. The dad did not have a plan, and yet in the end he murdered a person. His son had a plan and the plan destroyed the family. So what does this mean? Should there be a plan or not? Could it be just because one is poor, whether they have a plan or not their lives would be screwed? Maybe the whole family would be saved if the father had a plan instead of letting his son execute his own undisclosed plan?

The ending was the epitome of a major twist. The letter was never sent out and could never be sent out. The dad was still able to communicate via morse code, it was his family who are in grief because they could not let him know that they received his message. This brings me to the last point, which I find that both the maniac and the dad to be dregs of the society, since they hid away and avoid responsibilities when misfortune happened. They brought great pain to their families. It was also the dad’s man slaughtering of the rich man that caused the collapse of the whole family.

Overall this is a great movie, and one that gives a great deal for one to think. What do you think?

Gardening taught me more than what I expect to learn

I find myself an extreme creature of randomness. Sometimes inspiration just entered my mind because of either something I read, or someone I stumbled upon, and it grew into something I never knew it would become. The biggest randomness that happened to me was stumbling upon this financial independence blogger, Mr Money Mustache’s website, and doubled my networth within three years. Not that it was that much to start with, but still, it was amazing.

Another one of these randomness was gardening. My mother, my aunts and uncles all had green finger, and loved their plants very much. Apart from the part where I asked my boyfriend to help my mom pluck weeds to prove that he could get his hands dirty, I normally shy away from the garden.

About 3-4 months ago, I read about something called Aquaponics, which means plants and fish living within the same ecosystem, with humans rearing the fishes, and the fishes in return giving their waste to the plants as their nutrients. This is an urban farming method that is gaining popularity as this reduces pesticides and toxins in fishes since their environment is largely controlled by humans. It is also encouraged by the local ministry of agriculture considering the fact that our country is having an agricultural products import deficit, meaning we mostly import our food from other countries, although we ourselves are majorly an agricultural country.

I eat broccoli and some other vegetables almost every day. So I figured, this does not seem to be too bad a plan. My balcony only had two decorative plants anyway. The worst is that the plant might die, and I will end up with no plant. No biggie. (I was sadder than I thought when they died, which is something that I did not know back then) I started to kind of eat vegetarian at home, so I cut out the fish part.

Too much water is worse than not enough water

This is a very painful lesson indeed. But it was not me who over-watered the plants. It was the rain. Whilst I was away on holiday, it rained heavily everyday, but I had no idea. It never dawned to me that I should ask my housemate to move the plants indoor. Then I saw despite the fact that the soil was wet, the leaves on several seedlings are turning yellow. I wonder what happened so I googled the reason why leaves turn yellow. Contrary to popular belief, there are many reasons why plants turn yellow, lack of water is not the only reason. It seems when plants are overwatered, the root starts to rot, and once that happens, there is no reversing of that effect. The only thing you could do is just watch them die. The words “fragility of life” comes into mind. Well I actually dug out two of the seedlings and moved them to drier soil. It actually worked for one of them.

Loneliness (or a bigger container) could kill a plant

My most prized broccoli plant, one that grew into the largest amongst my other seedlings which survived through my two weeks’ holidays did not survive after I transplanted it to a bigger bag. I was guessing perhaps that big bag made it felt lonely, since there was so much space, and it was far away from its friends before the transplant. Its leaves were too heavy for the stem to carry that it fell sideways. I tried to put a straw to straighten the stem. It just prolonged its inevitable death. I told myself, it’s ok, just continue buying broccoli from the supermarket.

My head is too heavy

Later I stumbled upon a more logical explanation. Unless the seedling is really matured, otherwise transplanting it to a bigger pot or place will loosen the soil, and since a bigger pot can hold more water, it is likely to dampen the roots and cause the plants’ roots to rot.

Planting is like parenting

Definitely a strange revelation considering the fact that I do not have children and am not sure if I would like to have them.

After learning that too much water can kill the plants, and the fact that plants need sunlight to thrive, I was thinking how could both be achieved, and this was what I came out with.

A transparent umbrella! Maybe there is indeed something called the best of both worlds?

My boyfriend said I protect and care for them too much. I should just let nature take their course. Look at weeds, they grow well, although no-one cared for them. It was an epiphany that parents probably felt the same way as I do. As much as I have done what I could, and the results was not as what I hoped it would be, I could not just give up on the seedlings and move on. And why, you ask me? Could this be love? Unreciprocated efforts? I still could not put a finger on this.

Parents could do anything for their children, even if it means giving up their lives. I know to many, mints are the easiest to grow. It was not as easy for me. I got a few grown mint plants and stems from mom several times, and they never lived into the wild bushes I thought it would, since everyone says that they are like weeds. I bought some fresh mints from the market and tried to plant them. Surprisingly one of the stalks actually survived and little buds of leaves started to sprout. Look how the left “parent leaf” lived on long enough so that the tiny buds could survive. Once that goal is achieved, it just dropped dead.

Well I might be romantising this mint growth progress but what I learnt from this is, never ever cut off all the leaves and expect that the stem would be able to do the work for you. That stem is just like the blood transfusion system, if there were no nutrients, there was nothing to transport, and death is just a matter of time.

Parents giving their all to their children
  • Propagate into the bushes that you are supposed to be

Shit happens.. and sometimes you just have to cut losses

Well not before you put up a lot of fight!

Gross! I know

The first thing I did was locating the culprits that gave my Spanish spinach these hideous bites. So apparently it was not just one but two, and maybe three of those caterpillars. It was a cringey experience removing these caterpillars and their droppings. There was nothing that I could do but to cut off all the leaves that the caterpillars has “graced”. In fact I have chopped off quite a fair bit. I could not stand the hideous looking chewing marks, and caterpillar poo.

That’s all I can remember. I am still learning every day. My plants are a solace to me when I come back from work. The first thing I do everyday the moment I stepped into the house, was to take a look at how my plants are doing. Are they growing steadily? Are they dying? Did they have enough water? Did I do what was needed? How can I improve on my planting skills? I guess I will have to wait until a garden of greenery that I have always wished for will just appear one day when I am not looking and checking in.

Till then, just plant on!

Being grateful to yourself

As a volunteer and patient in my local lupus association, I have spoken frequently to patients and family members about their experiences as patients and caregiver. Last Saturday, a fellow para-counsellor raised a question that some caregivers had a bit of challenge to answer.. even I stumbled when I answered it!

The question was: What do you feel grateful about yourself?

I had a long list of people that I felt grateful towards, and I cited them out feeling thankful of all the loving people around me. However after I finished my answer, the para-counsellor said: Yes you are grateful to everyone else who lent a helping hand, but what about yourself? Is there anything to feel grateful about?

I gave it a good thought, and then I said: yes, I am grateful that I am able to live like a normal person, before I got lupus!

Then the next person was the husband of a new patient who had a hard time to think of something that he felt grateful of. At first he said that he was grateful that his wife’s condition is stable, and that there is a support group to listen out to their woes. When the para-counsellor reminded him the question was about whether he felt grateful towards himself, he paused for a while, and he asked “Being grateful means something that you are happy about right?” The husband was going through some emotions and I thought he was going to flip and say “What the heck can I be grateful about having a wife who’s got lupus?”

I actually was wondering if there is any point in pushing that question further, because I think it is very hard for new patients and their caregiver to feel grateful about anything. They need time. I still remember the time when I will cry whenever someone asks “How are you?”. Would I be able to give an answer if someone insist that I say that I am grateful with myself?

But thinking about it with hindsight now, I realised that I have so many things to be grateful with myself back then. I would not be able to see it then when I was sick. I am grateful that I worked hard and had a job that was able to finance my sickness even if my personal insurance did not cover it. I am grateful that my lupus decided that I could still do sports, once it stabilises. I am grateful that I do not have photosensitivity, at least not the type where I must wear long sleeves wherever I go. I am grateful that I myself have built good relationships around me that I get the support I need when I am ill. I take credit for these good things that happen to me.

I find this exercise to think about the good things that we take for granted in our lives and be thankful extremely important. Sometimes we get so much frustrations in life that we felt that as if nothing is working according to plan. We forgot about very important things that we are blessed with, and felt that life owed us more. It’s good to take a step back and see the forest for the trees. It probably is difficult especially if you have not done that before. It takes some practicing to start to takes thing into perspective and see what good luck you are blessed with. The para-counsellor suggested one thing that we should at least feel grateful for: that we are alive. I think that is a good starting point.

So what are you grateful with yourself?

What have you done in the last 6 years?

For some reasons, I had to reflect on what I have done in the past six years. Six years was a definitive milestone in my life. Somehow a discussion between colleagues made me decided to re-think what had I achieved in the past six years as I was starting to feel that I had not achieve much.

I made a little life chronology of my own as follows:

2013 Life milestone

2014 Took on a bigger project

2015 Same bigger project. Got Lupus in Dec 2015.

2016 Spent around 3 months to contain and get acquainted to my Lupus.

2017 Got into two very stressful projects (May and Nov), temporary change of department. Lupus relapsed in Dec 2017.

2018 Readings got back normal in April 2018. Changed back to the original dept.

2019 Lupus contained so far (up till early June 2019)

Looking at this, I think I am now more forgiving of myself.

Half of the time I was trying to manage to stay within a zone that my Lupus is comfortable with. Staying afloat was already considered the milestone that I could manage. Looking at the chronology above, it is true that a relapse happens when stress piles up. It does not happen immediately when the triggering event took place. It normally takes around 3-5 months for the floodgate to build up and then unleashed. When it relapsed, it takes 3-4 months to contain the effects of the relapse. It was a period of uncertainty, and a whole new process to accept why it happened, and then to not worry too much about it.

No doubt that at some point of time in the near future, I have to re-think about my future. For now, I think I need to give some credit to myself for staying alive. Cheers.

What about you? Do you think I should cut myself some slack?

Never thought I’d cry for a fictional animal, and here we are..

Ghost was the runt.. almost forgotten and left to die..

Jon was the only Snow amongst the Starks, neglected and had to take the Black to prove his worth..

They had a bond that runs deeper than any other Stark dire wolves would ever have with their Stark masters..

And yet, here we are.

This scene now breaks my heart more than ever.

Happy 3 years’ anniversary, Lupus!

Tasked as part of the writing committee for our local lupus association (Persatuan SLE Malaysia), I have no worries on the contents for our bulletin next year, because I know that in the event I could not get anyone to share their lupus experience, I will always have a trusted back-up plan: Myself!

Wow, I cannot believe that it is already 3 years since I was diagnosed.

It feels like yesterday, when I wondered why I felt this crippling pain every night, and how one week ago I was climbing walls, and one week later I had problems climbing down the staircase. I recalled the helplessness I felt when my insurance agent told me that eventhough Lupus Nephritis Class IV is part of the 36 critical illnesses, due to an untimely update, it is not covered under my personal insurance policy. I remembered that I felt like crying everytime someone asks me: “How are you?”.

Of course I also remembered the care from my parents and brother, the helping hands of my boss, the patience of my bestie, the warm wishes from my old school mates, the concern of a boy, and the encouraging words from my rheumatologist. Acceptance of the illness was not possible for me, if were not for the inspirational and life changing movie, Meru by Jimmy Chin.

It all made a difference.

My memories associated with lupus has already been stored in a corner of my mind, not something that I could recall instantly. I do not think that I consciously chosen to forget about them. Lupus has changed my life in many ways, most of them for the better.

Before I had lupus, I knew I was working very hard, and I felt like I had no choice but to work hard, just because. After I have lupus, I started to understand the meaning of  the fragility of life. I understood that I am not invincible, and life does not always head towards the direction you wish that it would head to. There are always unexpected twists around the corner. If you can live your life the way you wish to live today, do not wait until tomorrow. If you can talk to your loved ones, give them a few pleasant words, a smile today, do that to them today, and do not postpone it to tomorrow. Would I still have these realisation even if I did not have lupus? I will not know the answer to that question, but I knew that I learnt a lot from lupus.

I do not like the hospital, and I dread the long hours of waiting in the hospital. But I know that I will definitely be able to see the doctor on the same day or one or two days after. I learnt to cope with it. I learnt to see the positive sides of everything. I learnt to appreciate a long wait at the specialist’s clinic. I learnt to appreciate the help that the doctors and the medical staff provide to me. I learnt to appreciate the honesty and directness in the doctor’s communication. I have gotten to know many new friends, people whom provided support, and in return, I provided support to, throughout our lupus journeys. I have started reading a lot more than before I had lupus. Mostly because during the earlier days when I was first diagnosed, I had to be in the hospital on my own, so I had more time to read.

I am now quite comfortable with lupus that sometimes I almost forgotten about it. Medication and keeping track of stress levels are things that I do on a daily basis. When my stress level elevated too much, lupus will give me a gentle tap on my wrist, instead of a violent jolt. I suppose my lupus is a mirror of myself. There is always some quid pro quo arrangement between me and lupus. I do not push it to the edge, and neither will it give a big surprise and push me to the edge. We respect each other just like that.

I had a good one this year, so I would like to toast to my lupus for 2018! Cheers!