I hope I’m not pushing myself too much….

Time flies.. and I am in the exact period when I found out that I have a lupus flare-up last year.

Life has been hectic, work has been stressful, and my eyes are getting more and more sore as a result. Sore eyes is normally a direct result of stress. This type of stress arises when I need to conduct courses. I have no issues conducting courses, but I often worry if people would learn during my sessions, and whether my sessions will achieve the intended objectives. I sworn off courses in October due to the high levels of stress caused by my own expectations. Ironically, I had to conduct another two day course again this week. I was supposed to have several colleagues assist me with the instruction of the course, since I prepare most of the materials. And yet, 2 out of the 4 instructors that promised to help did not turn up due to compelling reasons. So I had to be there both days.

After two days, I am glad it is over. I could not help but think: everyone has got their reasons why they fall apart.. What about me? It was inconsiderate for those people who just go ahead told me that they could not make it, and then did not offer to find any replacement. Just because I am still alive, does not mean I need to shoulder the world, no?

This is not the end yet. This is the nature of the job I am in. After you finished saving one fire, there are more fires waiting for you ahead. There will never be real peace of mind, until the day you quit. I have not decided to quit though. I still need the insurance for my lupus. Haha. I could pay for my medical expenses, but if someone else is paying for it, why not?

I am due for another check-up the week after next. I really need to manage my workload for the next two weeks so that my lupus do not flare-up again and cost me another one year of same heavy immunosuppressant dosage again. I am used to eating medication every day, but it would be good if I could taper down slightly.

Everyday is another day. Everyday is a day we fight for our survival. Gods be good and please do not let my good old friend flare-up again.